Common Downsides to Living in Exile
A lot of people ask me, “What’s the worst thing about being exiled?” One issue would definitely be the lack of frittatas. A good frittata takes patience, but also eggs, potatoes, and a cast iron pan, none of which are available when you’ve been extradited to a big old pile of sand and trees in the middle of the Pacific.
Another toughie: making the bed. It’s helpful to have someone there to help you tidy up your bed in the morning. I know I always have trouble getting all four corners of those darned fitted sheets to stay put! Alas, this is an impossible feat when you’ve been forcibly removed from all civilization and left with only the company of the occasional passing finch.
A rough thing about living in exile is that it is just impossible to keep up with the latest trends in fashion. Is orange “in” again? What’s the consensus on denim vests? I can never remember these sorts of things. The fact that I will never interact with another human again further complicates the matter.
It’s not all bad, though. For example, now I don’t have to worry about which direction to send around the bread at meals. Left, right—it can be so confusing! Not anymore: All of my dinners are spent at a table set for one.
One of my least favorite parts of exile is hair care. Keeping my hair sleek in this humid mini-prison is a joke at best. And it’s not like blowdrying is an option—there isn’t much electricity when you’re in exile. Sometimes the tropical storms bring lightning, but usually that just sets my shack on fire.
Oh! Hanging paintings. A super tedious job, especially in my home. There are no flat surfaces to measure against, on account of my having to build this shack out of driftwood and palm fronds. My wall art is always so frustratingly crooked.
I miss my kids. They were pretty cute. I wonder if they still remember that I’m their father.
But yeah, the frizzy hair is definitely the worst part. Maybe I’ll name this place Frizz Island. It’s not like anyone else is here to stop me!