We Are Working On The Spending Bill

,

immortal-politician

Mr. Mayor, members of the State House of Representatives, and citizens of Madison. My administration has heard your concerns and wants to assure the people of this great state of Wisconsin that we are working to end congressional gridlock and push this spending bill through Congress. I want to stress the phrase ‘you have been heard,’ in opposition to the phrase ‘you have been understood,’ because I am an immortal, timeless being and your complaints are, to me, largely senseless.

To reiterate, I have always existed and always will exist.

I have been perfectly insistent on this point throughout my campaign and term. And though I told you that this would not impinge on my ability to lead as governor, I was wrong. I was super wrong. Having no conception of the linear flow of time and lacking a coherent, meaningful life-narrative as generally experienced by mortal beings has so totally alienated me from my constituency that I feel the need to personally and publicly apologize. I should add, however, that I don’t fully grasp your notions of either ‘apology’ or ‘regret.’ Regret, as I have been told, is a concept which is predicated on a lived experience of finitude, of which I have none. As for apology, apologizing is something one does to one’s peers, of which I have none. And though I am sorry, I do not feel ‘sorrowful’ as such.

Having said that, I assure you that this spending bill has had my full, unfailing attention over the entirety of its blink-and-you’ll-miss-it lifespan. In the interest of full transparency, when I use the word ‘attention’ I feel you should know that my attention spans eons. I, in fact, experience all moments concurrently, and my ‘attention’—as you say—embraces the rise and fall of all civilizations that have ever been or will ever be across this temporal plane. Do you know how cilantro tastes like soap to some people but to others it is a delicious accent? Well, to me, the entirety of human history tastes like so much noise crashing against the constant din of geological and oceanic flux.

I have seen mountains crumble.

I have seen your champions fall. I have seen the end of being itself and I was present for Man’s first breath. I have known a woman’s touch. Trust me, I understand temptations of the flesh far better than you could know. I know the experience of constant becoming and I am coterminous with the universe. My temporal bounds proceed beyond all horizons. I know that everything is nothing, nothing everything, and I refuse that distinction outright. The difference between you and me is that you will inevitably fade into that very same spatio-temporal fabric from which you emerged and of which I am—in myself, for myself, and by myself. I am a God. I am a God. I am a God. I am a God.

So, yes, we are working.