Principal Hill Explains His Actions To The PTA

labyrinth illustration

Good evening. I’ve been asked to address the hide-and-seek issue at Franklin Elementary. Now, I love hide-and-seek. I love it very much. I wanted my students to have optimal hide-and-seek experiences, so I commissioned the construction of the gigantic labyrinth that now consumes the entirety of our playground.

I was elated by the results: it was my understanding that no one spent their recess doing anything other than playing hide-and-seek. I was thrilled to share the game I love so dearly with the students I love equally as much. The next generation of hiders and seekers was on its way.

It wasn’t long, however, before teachers started complaining. Students weren’t returning from recess to the classroom. Apparently, they had become too invested in their games of hide-and-seek, lingering in their hiding spots long after the bell had rung. They so cherished their elaborate playground maze that they refused to leave it. I confess I felt a twinge of pride at this: it has always been my goal to inspire students, and there is nothing I care more about than hide-and-seek.

But academics had to be our top priority, and I told the students as much in an allschool assembly. They were surprisingly receptive. I expected them to resist, but they agreed the hide-and-seek had gone too far. Some even suggested we destroy the labyrinth, but I assured them such drastic measures wouldn’t be necessary.

Unfortunately, their actions did not back up their words. Students continued to skip class, neglecting their academic duties for game after game of hide-and-seek on the playground. We got calls from parents complaining that children were hours late coming home, as they were too caught up in their games of hide-and-seek.

I told the students I understood their passion. I wanted them to be able to keep playing without it interfering with their schoolwork. So I brought the game inside, hiring a construction crew to redesign the hallways as a vast series of covert nooks, secret passageways, and hidden trapdoors.

I am the first to admit this plan may have somewhat backfired. Class attendance reached an all-time low as hide-and-seek popularity climbed to even higher heights. Even worse, teachers started catching hide-and-seek fever, too. It seemed no one in the entire school was able to stop playing hide-and-seek, even for a minute. I called another assembly to address the worsening problem, but nobody showed up. Nobody showed up anywhere anymore.

This brings me to the most pressing part of all this: Owen Dillard, the second grader who’s hasn’t been seen for two weeks now. A hider to the last, that Owen is. He’s really very good. The search dogs sent after him have disappeared, too, apparently forsaking their seeking duties in favor of hiding. They’re dumb animals. They don’t understand rules. That is why I personally will be finding Owen. He may be good, but I’ve got years of experience on him. I couldn’t be more excited for the challenge.