Planet Of The ???

January 7, 3014

Woke up from our thousand-year cryogenic slumber today. Crewman Niles reports that we’ve drifted a bit off course. Fortunately, the Captain has discovered a mysterious planet for us to colonize. “A new start for the people of Earth,” he calls it; the Captain is very wise.

January 10, 3014

Saw our new homeworld this morning. It is magnificent. A beautiful blue-green jewel in the sky, the third planet in its star system. Orbited by a small moon. Gravity exactly the same as Earth gravity. Seven continents. Truly the Captain is a navigational genius.

January 11, 3014

It’s been one heck of a day. The Captain chose to initiate a crash landing for reasons that, as Crewman Niles has repeatedly mentioned, remain unclear; we lost a lot of good men, who died shielding the Captain with their bodies. We quickly made camp on the outskirts of a primitive city inhabited by the natives of this world. These creatures are hopelessly backwards, grunting in their piglike patois. It is some comfort, all these millions of miles of home, that their city, viewed from a certain angle, almost perfectly resembles Tijuana.

January 12, 3014

We have established our defensive perimeter. The Captain has wisely decreed that we shoot passersby on site lest they hypnotize us with their alien language. It seems the aliens have tried to lure us into a false sense of security by covering the region with faux Burger King franchises, but it’ll take more than that to outfox the Captain.

January 15, 3014

The sky is beautiful on this alien world. Crewman Niles asked the Captain why we can still see Mars even though we’ve traveled all the way through the Mutara Nebula, but the Captain was too deep in thought to reply.

January 16, 3014

The homesickness is starting to get to me. Here I am, hundreds of light-years from home; and yet, when I close my eyes, it’s almost as if I can hear, whispered, as if from a memory long forgotten or a car radio passing on the freeway, details of the Amanda Knox retrial.

January 20, 3014

Crewman Niles pointed out that it’s a little weird that we didn’t bring any women to colonize the planet with, and that we all seem to be the Captain’s close personal friends from home, and that we haven’t suffered any ill effects from a thousand years of cryosleep, and that none of us are astronauts. I’m worried that Crewman Niles is being driven insane by this alien atmosphere.

January 23, 3014

Drank my own urine today. We wanted to pick up some water from the K-Mart but the captain pointed out that the K-Mart was obviously an alien trick. Close call!

January 25, 3014

Today Crewman Niles picked up a radio transmission from an alien chieftain calling himself the “preh-zuh-dunt”. Most likely using a universal translator of some kind, the “preh-zuh-dunt” said something about a “completely unauthorized mission” and an “outrageous spaceship theft” from somewhere called “Nah- Suhhhh” and an “elaborate attempt to escape ‘jus-tizz’” enabled by “dull-witted cronies.” The Captain terminated the transmission.

January 30, 3014

Soldiers from this backward planet have surrounded our camp. They’ve been shouting nonsense all day. “This is Earth,” they’ll shout. “Welcome to Earth. You’ve been on Earth all along. There’s no such thing as cryosleep.” I only hope the Captain can discover the key that will unlock the mystery of this mysterious world.

February 2, 3014

It is a grim day for humanity. The aliens have overrun our camp. Crewman Niles fell gallantly being used by the Captain as a human shield. Only the Captain and myself were taken alive. We are currently being transported to the home province of these barbarians, who fly under our own American flag just to taunt us.

February 2, 3014, addendum

I was looking out the aircraft window and I saw the Statue of Liberty. Now I feel like a fool. Obviously, these aliens were ready for us because they had already been to Earth, stolen the Statue of Liberty, and took it back with them as a sick trophy. To any future Earthlings who may find this: we must seek revenge. Find the Captain. He will know what to do.