Pee Pees: What’s It All About?

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Back in my day, a pee pee was a penis. Boys had them. Girls didn’t. That was the final word on pee pees, end of conversation. Next topic, please! But nowadays, it feels like pee pees are everywhere. Pee pees to the left. Pee pees to the right. Pee pees front and center! Pee pees pervade our culture. Everybody wants to talk about pee pees. At home, at school, on the bus—pee pees, pee pees, pee pees!

What’s all the hubbub? It’s just a pee pee.

My dad had a pee pee. My brother has a pee pee. I, for one, certainly have a pee pee. A pee pee is a penis. You use it to pee. Now just think about that. If everybody is using their pee pee to pee, what’re we talking about when we talk about pee pees? We’re talking about pee. At the office, during church, in line at the grocery store– pee, pee, pee, pee, pee! What’s the big deal, America? It’s just pee.

If we took twenty percent of the energy that the longhaired and young use talking about pee pees and pee, and put it towards fueling a great big boat, that would be awesome. “Pee pee,” says one. “Pee?” says the other. “Pee pee!” the first retorts. He is a bad man, and we are all worse off for him.

Has it ever occurred to the people talking about pee pees all the time, that half the fun of having a pee pee is precisely not talking about it? It used to be understood by the proud men and women of this country that pee pees are in your pants. As a culture, do we really want to be spending—literally—all of our time talking about something that we can’t see throughout most of the day? That’s like talking about wood nymphs or mud sprites or something dumb like that. I feel like every conversation I have, somebody is bound to bring up pee pees. Their pee pee. My pee pee. The pee pees. Any old pee pee just lying around. So now I don’t talk to anybody.

I haven’t seen head or tail of a pee pee in thirty days. I live a solitary life, somewhere in the vast deserts of New Mexico. Whenever I open the newspaper, and every headline reads something like “The President has a Pee Pee” or “The President’s Pee Pee Pees Pee,” I am only strengthened in my resolve. I am tired of all the pee pee talk! I have had it up to here with contemporary society, with all its pee pee trappings. Today when I poured my cereal, I found a pee pee in the bowl. I took a drive this afternoon and a pee pee was sitting in the passenger seat. I was stuck for hours behind a pee pee parade. This goes all the way to the top. The Governor is a big ol’ pee pee. I look to the sun and am convinced that the earth orbits not a star, but a big fiery pee pee.

By the time you will have read this, it will be too late. My name is David Brooks, New York Times op-ed columnist. Don’t try to understand what I have done.