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Excerpts from a frightful dystopic science fiction novel about a not-so-distant future, by local budding author Willem Barnum. You might be terrified to find that the world he describes is not much unlike our own…

After twelve years of interstellar travel, we have arrived on planet Earth. We seem to be in a sort of suburb, just an hour car ride from a large and impressive city not unlike our own Trsknc. With the help of our Mimesiums we have been able to physically blend in and study these creatures, who walk on two legs and communicate through aural signs. We understand very little of their customs. When they are travelling from place to place, for instance, they are unable to stop looking at their small, hand-held screens. When do they ever have time for real human contact? We sure don’t know.

Through interviewing our human test subject Chris, we have begun to understand more and more about these people and their customs. As helpful as Chris has been to our research, however, he has not been able to answer one thing: how can a race of such technological sophistication be so concerned with the beeping of their little portable touch-screen doo-dahs? He says they just do it when they have a free minute, like on the subway, but hello! I’m sure not seeing any busy minutes! Ha ha ha. Whatever happened to reading a book on this planet?

In studying human mating modes and habits, we have come to some baffling conclusions. For instance, Chris, God bless his heart, sometimes he talks to his little girl-friend all day, only through text messages. Ever heard of, um, I don’t know, this planet’s telephone? My Lord, Chris is such a smart boy, but sometimes he acts like a real ape!

Our mission has been put at risk. The humans began to feel threatened by our presence, and have asked us to either stop being so controlling, or move into a home. Though we don’t feel like it’s fair to levy those accusations at us, since clearly that boy needs a father in the house, it is a chilling ultimatum, and we have decided to tone it down lest the tension should occasion full-out interstellar conflict.

We can’t help it though, when we’re sitting at a dinner table, and everyone is either looking at a television screen or texting on their hand-held. We have come to understand that there used to be a time in this planet when a family meal meant just that: a family meal. Is it a crime to be observant??? Boy, I tell you…

 After a year of valuable research, it seems our time has come to leave this planet. It’s not an easy decision to make, and truthfully, not one we’ve made completely on our own accord. But when things reach their boiling point, that kind of environment just stops being pleasant. In leaving, we hope that the human race, in particular Chris, will follow the example of our own race, the proud Rogkors, who believe in the value of a day’s work, limited government, and good Christian morals.