Warning: Hot Horny Housewives Are Ready to Fuck

ED MCLAREN: We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you an emergency broadcast. Attention Providence County residents, Ed McLaren here with an emergency broadcast. This is not a drill. I repeat, this is not a drill. We’ve received multiple reports online that Hot Horny Women are in your area.

If you are a 18-25 year old male interested in females, find shelter immediately. Lock your doors and shut your windows. Ours sources tell us they are looking for fuckbuddies.

Civil authorities in your area have confirmed that Hot Single Sexy Women are rising up from their large companionless beds and attempting to seduce the virile. They want to give you brain.

These mindless sex-depraved co-eds have taken to wandering the streets, arms-out stretched, in search of anyone man enough to give them what they crave. Do not attempt to approach or subdue these individuals as they are considered extremely horny. For more safety information, please visit our website at www.adultfriendfinder.com.

We’re just getting word now that Lonely Amateur Housewives are looking to fuck. Moments ago, we spoke to Dr. Garrison Zolitzki, who has been on-call since this morning when the outbreak began. Doctor Zolitzki, thank you for joining us.

DR. ZOLITZKI: Since 4:30 this morning, we have been seeing cases of extreme stimulation. Heightened arousal. Glandular inflammation. If you have been bitten or had your earlobe nibbled on by any number of Wild Wet Women, get to the nearest hospital immediately.

ED MCLAREN: Thank you Doctor. For information on the origins of this growing epidemic, we now go live to our own investigative reporter Garrett O’Felcher. Garrett?

GARRETT O’FELCHER: Thanks Ed. We’ve traced the outbreak back to what has become known as the “Facebook of Sex” which allows any Desperate Red-Hot Virgin to post her favorite positions, if she likes giving blowjobs, and other relationship information. What began as a scare has escalated into a full-scale — Carl, behind you! Oh dear lord! No! No!

ED MCLAREN: Garrett! Ahh, dammit!

I’m sorry, folks. He was my son. In trying times, we must stay calm. Stay together, stay safe, and may God have mercy on our souls.

In other news, you could win an iPad 2.